Writing Fiction For Fun And (No) Profit
Why It Doesn't Work, For Me At Least
I’m often asked why I don’t write more fiction for people. I’ve been invited to submit stories and scripts over the years, each time I’ve politely begged off. And now I’ll tell you why.
Apparently my fiction is not unrealistic enough.
In 2012 I was asked to submit a story for a zombie themed comic book. I worked up a story, involving a country town is Queensland called Esk, Sen. Det. Frank Banner from the television show Homicide and Skippy the bush kangaroo. The editor read the synopsis and passed. It turned out that he couldn’t find a single artist who was willing to draw it. Nobody could get a handle on it. Fair call. I was asked if I change some elements, i.e.: the town, the characters, remove Skippy and turn it all into The Walking Dead. I took one element and repatched it as The Wanking Dead. I never heard from the editor after that, but Kent Tayler took the second concept and worked it up as a four panel gag for Viz. They passed on it too, but it does exist.
(copyright 2025 Kent Tayler / Daniel Best. Not for reproduction unless you pay Kent)
Other stories have fallen down for similar reasons. Too out there. Nobody wants to tackle my take on The Emu Wars for example, which is the war from the Emu’s viewpoint or what happened to the characters in Hogan’s Heroes during the last few days of WWII and after the war ended.
But, hey, so it goes.
Then there’s the script doctoring that I’ve done. When I’m asked to suggest/fix/add dialogue into a story that someone else has done I always ask what they expect from me. If it’s someone I respect, I’ll take the job seriously and do my best to make the dialogue work. Sometimes that might mean as little as one word, or a line or two. If the story is beyond repair, I’ll be honest and say I’m not the person for the job, and perhaps they might want to start anew or do something else.
But, if the story makes no sense, then I go into feet first. Here’s an example of a WWII story I was asked to take a run at.
German General: So, Englander, zee Gestapo are coming. Zey are going to shoot you. Do not try to run.
(Englander breathes deeply, falls back into his chair, resigned to his fate)
I was asked to do a reply to this, so I came up with this.
Englander: Don’t run. Hmmm, why? What’s going to happen if I do?
German General: Zen vee vill shoot you.
Englander: Yeah, fuck that for a game of soldiers. You’re going to shoot me anyway. I’m outta here.
(With that Englander leaps through a window and runs across the field like a scalded cat)
I was told, nope, that doesn’t work. But, to me, it does. You don’t threaten someone with death and then tell them that if they try to live, they’ll be killed. Of course they’re going to run or fight. It’s just human nature, isn’t it? But, nope, it changed the whole tone of the story, in which Englander had to be rescued at the last minute by some other idiot. Englander didn’t know it was coming. Which makes zero sense to me. If he knew a rescue was coming, sure, he might have waited, but he didn’t. So he should have ran.
No? Oh well.
A perfect example of this realistic approach to fiction was done perfectly in the stoning scene in Life of Brian. To set it up, Matthias is chained up and about to be stoned to death for committing blasphemy by saying Jehovah (I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.').
Matthias: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.
Crowd: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!
Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Similar fixes of mine have been rejected. Such as people in a haunted house, with a demon. They stay there, even though weird and scary things are happening. In my hands, nope, they simply say, “Fuck that, grab the wine and cheese Mary, we’re outta here.” And they leave. As is always pointed out, the story ends there. As it should.
I’m not fond of writing fiction, because I simply can’t write people so stupid that they sit there and let bad stuff happen to them. My characters respond how I’d like to think I’d respond. And that’s how fiction, in my view, should be done. Make of that what you will. The sillier your story, the more realistic your dialogue should be. Fantasy fiction is a different angle completely. If you’re creating your own world or universe(s), do what you want. But if you’re trying to base your stories into the real world, then your characters should respond realistically.
And if you’re thinking of asking me to submit or do some script doctoring, be aware, I’m write from a realistic, albeit skewed, viewpoint.
By the way, I still have Zombies in Esk and The Emu Wars: The Emu’s View and the last Hogan’s Heroes if anyone wants to take a crack at them. And don’t try to steal my ideas, my scripts are probably worse than yours.